Sorry, Sarcasm — You and I have to Break Up.
We’ve been together a long time, sarcasm — It’s not me, it’s you.
Sarcasm and I are Consciously Uncoupling
The other day, someone made a sarcastic comment that happened to bump straight up against a deep insecurity I’m working through. They apologized, but not only did I think about that comment the rest of the day — I also sharpened it into a shiv and stabbed myself with it whenever I started to exhibit even the smallest amount of self-confidence.
As a member of Generation X, sarcasm has been my primary language, but I was bewildered that it took me this long to realize how destructive it could be. When I was sarcastic, I was never meaning to hurt anyone — was I? Or was I fooling myself?
The Greek root of sarcasm, sarkazein, originally meant to ‘tear flesh like a dog.’ It evolved to mean to ‘bite one’s lip in rage.’ Eventually, the Greek noun ‘sarkasmos’ was created, meaning ‘a sneering or hurtful remark.’ The current English word sarcasm is defined as ‘a satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain.’ Hurting is intrinsic to sarcasm.
Looking at the synonyms made me feel even worse at commonly using sarcasm — ridicule, indignity, and offense all appear in that list. Sarcasm is often barely-veiled contempt. Contempt, certainly, has no place in my day-to-day interactions. Merriam Webster goes on to say that “Sarcasm shares some semantic territory with a number of other English words, including wit, repartee, and humor. While most of these are in some way concerned with inducing laughter, sarcasm stands alone in denoting caustic language that is designed to cut or give pain.”
Sarcasm when leveled at systems and idiosyncrasies in the world is one thing — but when leveled at a person, it’s a way to criticize without having to be critical. It even seemingly has a built-in dodge, if someone’s feelings are hurt you can always point out, “I was just being sarcastic.” That defense, when you think about it, isn’t great. At the core of sarcasm is hostility — it’s meant to wound.
Sarcasm erodes intimacy in relationships by shutting down a partner’s willingness to be vulnerable. It also calls into question many comments — if someone is being sarcastic in one instance — were they sarcastic in others? The more prevalent sarcasm is as a mode of communication, the more profound the concern that there’s been sarcasm that’s been missed.
While sarcasm is an amazing humor tool, I don’t want to risk being a bull in the china shop of someone’s feelings.
Uncoupling from sarcasm might be hard for me, but I believe forcing myself to be more forthright in my communications will ultimately make me a more effective. I don’t think I can ever let sarcasm fully go, I just don’t want it to be a central tool in my communications tool box. It’s the insincerity at the core of sarcasm that isn’t something I want to invite into my life, and certainly not into my relationships.
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